He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
