I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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