Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
