I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
