i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
