shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
