My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
