It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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