You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
