Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
