did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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