Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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