Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize