This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
