I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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