Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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