I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
