my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
