You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
