Sober January is a disaster.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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