the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
MIDGETS
????
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
