now i know why i became what i already was.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
