I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
