HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
