fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
