I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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