I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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