FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
