i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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