Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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