even my farts smell like vagina
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
