Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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