Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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