if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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