i jhust puked up my retainher.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
