It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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