Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
