I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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