Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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