Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
