Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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