i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
