Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
