Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Pooping to opera.
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