oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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