Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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