I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
