K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How's work?
Spinning.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is Oprah even human
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
