I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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