you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize