I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
