I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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