More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize