I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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