Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I am puke
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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