there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
