I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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