tequila makes me forget i have legs
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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