I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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