Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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