i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
