and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
did i just pee glitter
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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