THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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