I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
