You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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