so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
